Loving my (gay) son

My son is gay. He has been going through a lot over the past few years and I often questioned why it is so easy for me to love him and others have such a hard time. He has been talked about, made to feel less than, and he has been condemned by people who claim they love him.

I think I have known longer than anyone that he was gay, and I never had a problem accepting him. We have been through many transitions over the years and I have always loved and encouraged him through it. I am a Christian, I do my best to follow God’s word daily, but me being a Christian does not mean I cannot love and accept my son for who he is. He once asked me “if God knew us before He formed us in the womb, why did He make me gay?” He was trying to gain some understanding because people were telling him God would never accept him, yet this is the way he came into the world.

I use to feel the need to defend every negative comment about homosexual people because I felt like they needed someone defending them against people who don’t really understand that this wasn’t necessarily a choice for them. I also felt like I needed to defend my son. This was exhausting, I soon realized that I couldn’t defend everyone, I could only be there to encourage, support, and guide my son. My son always has and will always have a safe place when it comes to me.

When he has questions, I do my best to answer them. When he is confused, I do my best to make things clear.  When he wants to vent, I listen. When he cries, I console and encourage. When he wants to learn the new Beyoncé dance, I am there right beside him. When he feels alone, I am his friend. I cherish these moments. Not just with him but with all my children. They know if they don’t have anyone else in this world, they have their mom.

On Friday, I was on my way home and it was one of those moments where I just need some peace and quiet to clear my mental space. I asked the question again; “why is it so easy for me to love my gay son” and the answer I got cleared everything up. It is easy for me because I loved him before I knew he was gay. I’ll say that again; I loved him before I knew he was gay. Nothing about my son changed when he told me he was gay, he was and is the same child I gave birth to, the same child I raised, the same child that loved me when I wasn’t “perfect.” Nothing changed about my child.

Many people focus on the fact that they are gay, that it is a sin, the lifestyle is not accepting, it isn’t normal. Well that wasn’t for me to decide, my decision was to love, support, and cherish my son. I often tell people that when I get to the gates of heaven I will not have to answer for my son being gay, I will have to answer for how I treated my son.

My son has struggled with his Christian beliefs for a while now because of what people tell him about the bible and how God feels about him. I encourage him to read, get to know the bible and God for himself. Even in his disbelief I prayed for him and made sure to keep him in church. At a young age my son has experienced God and His love, and he now believes again. Some people live life lost because they have no one standing in the gap for them. I was not having this for my child. I prayed for him constantly, I talked to him, and when I felt him getting off track I asked God for guidance. Before I give my son any sound advice I pray first, because I know one wrong word and I become like everyone else who has torn him down.

In closing, what I really want everyone reading this to get out of this message is that nothing that we do can separate us from the love of God (Romans 38-39) and there is nothing my children can do that can make me stop loving them. They grow, they change, they make mistakes, but they know I will always be there with open arms. The bible tells us we should love our neighbors, like we love ourselves. It doesn’t distinguish between race, gender, age, spiritual beliefs, or sexual orientation; it clearly states love your neighbors. Loving my son is easy because I loved him before he ever knew what being gay meant.

As always, thank you for reading. Please feel free to leave a comment or contact me through the contact card, found in the drop-down menu.   

I Can’t…..

So, I have a very bad habit of telling God, I have a very bad habit of telling God what I can’t do. I promise you, at least once a week I am telling Him what I can’t do, and God has a habit of telling me what I can do and how to do it.

Just recently I came home from a busy day of work and my house looked just like it looked when I left. You would have thought that my husband didn’t have the whole day off. I walked in my room kicked off my shoes, took a few deep breaths and changed my clothes. Sat down and talked to my son for a few minutes and then took him to his interview and went to the grocery store. After doing all this, there was still nothing moved in the house. So here I go, meal prepping, cleaning up the kitchen, cooking dinner for the family, all the while my husband sits there.

When I am done with all this, I go back in my room and sit on my bed and tell God I can’t do this. I just can’t. I know my husband is going through something right now, Lord what do you want from me because this is just too much. Now this is where it gets funny, I once heard that if you want to make God laugh tell him what you gone do. Well, when I laid down to finally go to bed, something in my spirit said, “love is kind.” I know this is a bible verse, I’ve heard it before. I pick up my phone and google “love is kind” (I am still finding my way through the bible) and google tells me where to find the scripture and I open my bible app and I read it.

Clear as day, I am being told how I can do it and how I should do it.

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Alright God, I hear you.

This is just one time, but I can look back and tell you about so many more

Me: God I can’t pay tithes, if I do, I’ll miss a bill, and something will get disconnected or it will reflect negatively on my credit report.
God: Try me (Malachi 3:10)

Me: God I can’t keep living like this, my finances are a mess, how will I ever be able to buy a home.
God: I will meet all your needs (Philippians 4:19)

Me: God I wrote the book, but I can’t afford to publish it, what if no one buys it and then all the money and time I put into it is gone to waste.
God: Write the vision and make it plain (Habakkuk 2:2-3)

These are real conversations that I have had with God in my time of discouragement and lack of faith. It is not easy trusting that everything will work out, it is not easy letting go of your circumstances and trusting that God has the power to work it out. Walking by faith is hard, being grateful for the things that you cannot see is even harder. God know we are human, and He knows that our feelings will sometimes win the battle, but I know that God has an answer for everything we are going through and everything we face.

So, when you feel like you can’t do something, know that with God you can do all things. Try Him for yourself.

Conflict Management

In life we will experience many conflicts. Conflict doesn’t have to always be with another person or thing, sometimes we wage conflict within ourselves. Learning to manage conflict properly is going to save you a lot of time and strife.

Not every argument has to occur, not ever fight has to happen, and not every wrong has to be addressed. We have all heard the saying “pick your battles wisely”, this means you can choose which battles are worth fighting.

Did you know conflict starts long before you even address the person? It starts in your mind, if you are like me you have the whole argument figured out before you ever get to the person. It may go a little something like this: I can’t believe she just said that, next time I see her I am going to let her know I didn’t like what she said and I dare her to say something back. Another example I bet when I get home the dishes are still going to be in the sink, the kids just don’t listen, they are going to get it when I get home.

What happens? You carry this conflict around with you all day and sometimes for days. The conflict is ongoing and until you can tell the person what you have played over and over again in your mind the conflict is still raging. At this point the other person doesn’t even know you all are fighting.

Story time:
One day I was leaving work, walking to my car, it was a Wednesday. On Sunday this person said something I didn’t like. It wasn’t directed toward me but I felt like they were throwing “shade” my way. I talked to my husband about it Sunday night, I talked to my best friend about it Monday, and by Tuesday I was heated. Wednesday I decided I was going to call this person as soon as I got to my car. Walking to my car I went through the whole argument, it went something like this: “Sunday you said something I really didn’t like and I feel like you were being shady, I have done nothing but support you but for you to say something like that it really hurt my feelings. Hold on let me finish (yes, I did), people think they know stuff about me but they really don’t. Everything I got, I worked hard for so for you to try and be shady knowing my struggle is really messed up.”

In this argument I knew the person wasn’t going to take responsibility for their action, I accounted for this already. After I finished sorting out how the conflict was going to in my head, I heard a voice say now is this worth your time? My answer was no, I do not have to defend my blessings. Not only that but I had let the conflict control enough of my time and energy and the sad part about it was the person never knew we were in conflict with each other.

Conflict is not just physical; it is also mental and it will disturb your peace. It will control your emotions and it will ruin relationships. Managing conflict is important. A few questions to ask yourself:

  • Is this worth my time?
  • Will what I say make a difference?
  • Is this worth my peace?
  • Is this my battle to fight?
  • Will I be okay if the relationship ends?

If you answered no to any of these questions, let it go. Not every battle is worth fighting and not every battle is yours to fight.

You know I don’t write anything without relating it back to the bible. I will leave you with two bible verses today.

  • Proverbs 15:1: A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
  • Ephesians 4:26: Be angry, and yet do not sin, do not let the sun go down on your anger.

Both verses are telling us to be careful of what we let flow out of our mouths, hearts, and minds and both are telling us to not stir up anger but let it go. Doing this is for you, it won’t feel good at first but in the end, you didn’t lose anything. You are not weak when you let conflict go you are strong because you were able to overcome and you will be rewarded in the end.

Fear or Faith?

Standing in the doorway she looked out at what was in front of her and then she looked back at what was behind her. In front of her she saw new beginnings, healing, growth, beauty, new relationships, and happiness; most of all she saw the unknown. Behind her she saw the hurt, the failure, the broken relationships, the lack, and the abuse; most of all she saw familiarity. What should she do, she wondered as she stood glancing back and forward between the unknown and the familiarity. One step forward and she walks into her destiny. One step backwards and she walks into her death. Fear crippled her while faith tugged at her. Fear was telling her she couldn’t and her faith was telling her to trust God. She knew she had to let one go but which one would it be?

This is what it feels like when you let fear and faith live in the same realm, this is impossible. Fear and faith cannot exist together one must overcome the other or you always be stuck standing in the doorway wondering what if, not being able to move one way or another.  Faith is belief in the things unseen. You must believe that what lies ahead is better that what lies behind. Once you really start believing this, once you get this deep into your spirit, it is then you will be able to take that first step into the unknown. That first step of faith.

 

Faith is not easy but being fearful is. Having faith takes work, faith makes you work. You must work to get to those things that are in front of you. You have to get up in the morning and be present, you have to speak victory into your life, you have to read, you have to study, you have to apply yourself, you have to heal! Fear is easy, you don’t have to do anything but stay right where you are. Just sit there and dwell on all that you’ve been through and all the things that are never going to happen.

I can write about this because I have been here. In the doorway scared to step forward into faith because my fear of the unknown crippled me. Stepping forward was the best decision I ever made, it hasn’t been easy but it has been worth it.

What direction do you chose? Are you going forward in faith or are you going to step back into fear?

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. -Romans 8:18-

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. -Joshua 1:9-